Welcome to the 4^th class in our series.

We start everything here at the Center for Spiritual Living, Asheville with a spiritual mind treatment. Right now, Bob will get us started.

So how many of you are here for the first time? Welcome. I have copies of my notes for the earlier classes, if you wish to have them in order to get caught up.. I can email them or let me know how many of you want them and I’ll print them out and get them to you via snail mail.

I congratulate you on taking the course and for making this commitment to self care. My hope is that you do the work make the changes. The time is perfect for this. Don’t just hear it, read it and put it away in a drawer. Put the practices into place.

Cheryl Richardson has been doing a give-away at each of her online workshops, and I have decided to do the same. So, today I have two copies of cards to give away. And then next time, after long thought and consideration, I’ve decided to give away a couple of half hour massages. I thought long and hard about this because I didn’t want people to think that I was doing this workshop in order to promote my work. And I’ve decided that Cheryl gives away her work…her coaching sessions, so it’s OK for me to do the same.

Last month we talked about Let Me Disappoint you and we talked about saying no with grace and love, and being firm about it.. We all have challenges with saying no and setting boundaries. Many people don’t want to believe that they have to say no and disappoint people. We do have to disappoint.

Buy some time. Take a step back and give yourself space.

Do a gut check. Do you want to do what is asked of you? Do you have time to do it.

Then if you need to, say yes with grace and love. If you have made a commitment and realize that you can not do it, help them do whatever it is that you promised to do. Use a tone neutral tone. “I know that I offered to help you paint your apartment this weekend, and my parents have come into town unexpectedly. I’d love to help you find someone to help you since I can not. “

I’d love to hear how you did this month with saying no. Did anyone have problems? Did you want to say no and didn’t? Did you say no and bomb?

Caller: Had to have a difficult talk with a friend. A year delayed conversation. She read and re-read the chapter and had to really get clear. Was on vacation together in London and caller got a crush on a platonic friend of hers there. So she asked if it was OK to talk to him, and was told “no, it’s not OK”. Caller was upset about and worried that talking about it would impact their friendship. Shoulda had the balls to speak up before. Talk responsibility for your part in situation. 90% of the people in class have something unspoken that needs to be spoken to someone. Once she had the conversion, she was more in touch with the amount of energy NOT speaking about it was taking up! The anxiety about it was way worse than the actual conversation. In our minds we make a lot out of these conversations and when they actually occur, although it may be hard, it’s not as bad as you think it will be. Without addressing what you need to, you just kind of trip over the “stuff” that you are not addressing. It stays there in the middle. Friendships actually survive and thrive when these conversations happen.

Caller: Friend was going out of town and she “offered’ to keep her child. And was horrified with myself that I had done so! It worked out fine, with me giving myself times before and after.

Caller: My aunt always invites me over for Easter, but I really don’t like going there. And I really didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and so I lied to her. Integrity is important and sometimes it’s OK to lie. For the sake of your self care, it’s OK to lie. The energy of dealing with saying no is sometimes too much and when you are at the end of your rope, it may be appropriate to tell a white lie. When her husband was ill, she was asked to do something and just did not have the energy to deal with saying no and knew that the no would not be well received, so she told a “white lie”.

Caller: Not sure if she did the exercise wrong because saying no was not hard at all. Was she doing the exercise wrong? As long as you say no with grace and love and not being harsh and ungracious. If harsh, people can start to move away from you.

The Power of Rhythm and Routine. Story about the ocean. Cheryl went to San Diego to surf and friends and although she has ridden waves with boogie boards, she has never surfed. She loves the ocean, floating and talking and she loves the rhythm of the ocean and the waves. It always has rhythm. And everyone she knows talks about this as a spiritual experience, whether it’s in the water or at the shore watching and hearing the waves. People are drawn to the tranquility and peace of the ocean. You are in the present moment. Here in America we get so busy that we override our routines and rhythms, being always on the go. We all operate with rhythm and routines. We all have rhythm and routines that serve us. And we probably have some that do not! And I will delineate between rhythm and routine today. And we’ll do some processes to help us get in touch with our routines.

OK so now I want to talk about rhythms. We all have our natural rhythms. Our natural ways of operating in the world. If your life is very very busy, you may be disconnected from your natural rhythms. Cheryl has a best friend named Max. Max is self-employed and is the person who helped Cheryl connect in with her natural rhythms. She sleeps when she feels tired. Works when she has energy. Takes care of herself when she needs to. And she would say to Cheryl: I’ve learned over time that when I honor my own natural rhythms, I get a lot more done in a shorter amount of time. Instead of trying to make myself do something when I really don’t want to do it. So she naps when she needs to and gets much more done as a result. Cheryl has a task master in her head that tells her that since she is self employed that she needs to spend “X” amount of time in the office every day. She feels like she has to do what needs to be done and be in the office from 9-5 and although she tries to force herself into this routine, she finds that what she really needs to do instead is honor her natural rhythms, she can get 8 hours of work done in 3 hours. When she makes herself sit down and work, she just does not do as well.

So what are you natural rhythms? When do you sleep? When do you eat? Connect with people or not connect with people? “Everyone should eat a good breakfast”. Yes, but eat when you feel hungry. Some people get up and immediately eat something. Others wait a little while. Some are morning people and some not so much. It’s important to know that natural rhythms change with what is going on in our lives. Take some time to notice what your rhythms are. Pay attention.

Routine is a way of scheduling activities that supports your life. It sounds like a sort of benign extreme self care step, but it can actually be very powerful. Routines are important because they ground us. They are restful. You know what’s going to happen. You can rest in the knowing of that. They can make you more productive. At work, you know when to check voicemail, when to check email, (Checking sporadically can actually disrupt your day and be a big time waster.) holding meetings at the same time every week. It gives us a sense of balance in your life. A consistent sleep routine can help to balance your mind, your body, your hormones, your elimination system, your toxin elimination system. We need structure in our lives and they allow us the freedom to move through our lives more easily. How many of you have to do lists? Our minds work so hard. We often think a lot about all that we have to do. And worry that we’ll lose track of something that we need to do. We create structure that gives us freedom to move through our lives. We have anchors in place that we can count on. When you put routines in place, like eating a meal together at night, it creates a routine that they can count on. Cheryl’s mom would do something for the kids after school like a green cupcake on St Patrick’s Day. They were not daily things, but created a sense of safety in her life. This works for us at work as well.

Stop for a moment and think about the routines that exist in your life. I’m going to go over some now and they may surprise you.

Routines that serve you. Routines that do not serve you.

Pay bills at the same time every month. Bookkeeper who comes in at the same time every week. Financial planner who comes regularly. Or routines of overspending. You may find that every Friday after work you go out to a store putting stuff on a charge card and you are struggling like some are. Or you stop and buy one of those coffees that are expensive. Do you have a dog and you walk them every day? Do you exercise regularly? Feed your cat or dog at the same time every day? We get moments of joy from these. Dental appts, laundry, clean the house, post office.

Sitting in front of TV every night? Donut every morning. Eat something not good for you before bed.

Emotional routines: writing in journal, affirmations, hired a coach and have a weekly appt. regular yoga classes, running with friends…gives you a sense of community. American Idol?

Some emotional routines may not serve you. Blowing up about the same problems every day. Arguing with kids about how they dress. Working too much and overworking is a routine that does not serve you.

Spiritual routines: meditation, walking, running, lifting weights,

Intellectual routines: classes, reading a book at night, listening to CD’s,

Can’t think of any that don’t serve you.

Sharing time: Get comfortable, take a deep breath and connect in with your inner being. Identify routines that serve you. What routines support your self care? Let’s share a bit. Notice what occurs to you. Don’t over -think it. Take a few breaths. Now shift a bit and think about the routines that you used to have that served you. Routines that have gone to the way side. Now take a couple of minutes and jot them down.

Now we’ll shift a bit, and I want you to again take a few breaths and connect in. Now think about the routines do not, or no longer serve you. One easy way to think about this is to identify those things that you tend to beat yourself up for. Again, take a couple of minutes to jot down examples that occur to you.

Now, come back to the present moment and finish writing. It’s important to hear examples from others because it is comforting to us when we realize the good stuff that we are doing. Also when we hear that others are doing the same non-serving routines that we do.

Examples:

1. I love to read a meditation or affirmation while my computer powers up every day. Or read a self care card.

2. Or have a family meeting every Sunday night.

3. Taking supplements

4. snacking at night, too much email, beating self up

5. looking at self as aging woman

6. red moon passage, out of print,

7. talk on phone with sister every Sunday

8. sleep 8 hours per night

9. watching TV

10. soap opera during lunch hour

11. reading New York Times every Sunday

12. listen to NPR

13. wake up to a certain music on clock radio, or go to sleep with it

14. quiet snuggle time with kids

15. prayer

16. naps

17. time with friends

18. worrying

Example: Being more comfortable with uncertainty, being tied to a routine and a plan. She just knows the next step ahead instead of having it all planned out. She’s starting to trust her gut and allow her to trust what happens. Focus on “do the support our extreme self care?”

Example: Structured and disciplined person who used to have routine when she worked for someone else and she used that day to nurture herself. Now she’s self-employed and does not do these things to nurture her soul. She has allowed her business to creep into her special times. Needs to set boundaries.

When you become self employed, it takes about a year to get a good solid structure in place that works. Cheryl actually teaches people to take time off in order to grow her business.

She has them play games. Take a vacation day in order to bring in more business. You teach yourself that every time you take a step away to nurture yourself, new business calls on the phone. Decide that that is what will happen.

Artist Way is another book to read about this.

Example: Old routine as retired army officer, he had a work ethic that is not good in a primary relationship. So he is exploring and savoring a relationship and toasting the end of the day, reads conscious living, watches Grey’s Anatomy, Dallas Cowboys football, turn on electric blanket and massage each others’ feet.

Look at 3 life-enhancing routines that you can put into place over the next month. Let’s focus on this for a while.

Centering Routine: Cheryl says that whatever she is working on with her books/seminars always shows up in her life. So she was looking at being centered and strong and here’s what happens when you don’t have a centering routine. When I’m disconnected from myself and my soul center, she’s more connected with “out there”. She is more connected with email, who likes her, what she’s missing out on, harrassed by inner voice that says “more”. She tethers herself to her center core, secure in knowing tha tshe has everything that she needs right now in her secure kindhearted loving me. For Cheryl, working out centers her. Going outside. Sitting in the sun. Petting her cat. Being on her deck. Walking in the woods.

What happens when you are not tethered to the center in you. Your soul. What happens when you are disconnected? That part of you that knows that you do not need anything outside of you in order to make you happy. This core also knows that when life gets hard (and it does) and we are faced with challenges, we have within us the ability to weather any storm. You are faced with a challenge, but do not suffer. A strong tree in the center of a storm….your leaves and branches are being blown around, but you have a strong inner core and will weather the storm. A daily centering routine will help to keep you connected so that you do in fact weather the storms more easily. Some started this routine with the journal practice that we started with the first class. Others have done this for years. Another is the list of positive affirmations.

Some started doing this and then stopped all together. Others stopped for a while and picked it back up. So a focusing routine that you may commit to do might be to start doing this again. Maybe doing a journal AND writing affirmations might be too much, so just do one. Make it easy on yourself.

Stop for a moment, take a breath and think: What is the one centering routine you know that centers you to your central core. It anchors you to your inside. You need to either put it into place, or strengthen it. Just one.

The Stress Reduction Routine:

We need to go through an inner process here. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and uncover a routine that will support you. As you take slow deep breaths, feel your body in the chair. Relax your neck and shoulders. Your arms, your back. Your legs and feet. And as you do, notice what answer occurs to you:

The question relates to relieving some of the pressure and stress in your life. We all have stress. Notice the first thing that comes to mind when I ask you what one routine you could put in place that would dramatically improve the quality of your life? Notice what occurs to you. The first example. The one that you’d rather toss out. That’s the one that I want you to write down. When you have an answer, slowly open your eyes and write it down.

Joyful routine:

The most important one of all. At least neck and neck with centering, is the Joyful routine. What routine would be fun and bring you more joy. What have you been thinking about doing on a regular basis, but you rob yourself of that routine and work instead. Feeding her cat (cat thinks she is a dog) so she plays with him. This is a joyful routine. A weekly lunch with her best friend, Max is a joyful routine. A massage. A pedicure. Playing with kids. Watching a movie once a week. A bath with the laptop on the toilet and watching funny videos on utube. Or TED.com where they have some really wonderful speeches. I sat in the hot tub the other night with the laptop on the deck railing, watching a teaching video. Ant hen I finished watching it in th sauna, with the laptop on the floor so that it did not burn up!

Would anyone like to share a centering routine that you do regularly? Or a joyful routine? Or a stress reduction routine? We might all like to hear some creative ways to cernter.

Examples: have 2.5 months of vacation to Hawaii each year.

Couples when cooperating with routines. How to do this while maintaining one’s own routine. Sometimes the routines are at cross purposes. Sometimes this is a bad joke…opposing needs with routines. Cheryl likes to go to sleep to silence. Her husband likes white noise, music, a fan. Their compromise is that she goes to sleep first, then he puts on his CD and since she is already asleep, it does not bother her. Prioritize your routines. Sleep at night is non-negotiable. When you have roommates and partners, you really have to negotiate how to work things out so that all needs are met.

Expressing emotion and not taking on new routines because he gets too enthusiastic and takes on too much. Then he gets overwhelmed. So he is learning to take on one at a time. His partner is someone who takes on one thing at a time and his enthusiasm and getting in over his head is an issue. So we do tend to partner up with those who compliment and mirror things that we need to develop within ourselves. Cheryl recommends picking one or two so you can stick with it.

Example: Meditation one person had. She saw a broken heart because of a long winter requiring her to be inside. So she saw herself meditated and shut herself off from the whirling stuff and just go out. So she went out in her galoshes. And in her meditation, she saw herself being choked. Because she has been unable to go out and connect because of their severe winter.

Example: Find your natural rhythm and build your routine to support it. When do you go to bed. When do you wake up? What is your natural eating rhythm? What is your natural work rhythm. When do you exercise?

A Breeze. Use it like a zen bell to stop and take a deep breath of peace. A breeze while outside.

Go to the library

Listen to books on tape.

Use Holosync, or Insight or Hemisync. Biauroal beat technology. Done with a headset and causes your brain to make slower brain waves and induces relaxation.

Homework: Put together a routine for the next 30 days so you can experience the nurturing and healing power to reduce stress. Pick ONE!!! Pay attention to how you feel as a result of this routine. More energy, more rested, little voice in head softens, do you feel more secure, less invested in what other think.

Continue doing the journaling. Do the affirmations, the gratitude journal. 

Now Bob wil close for us with a Spiritual Mind treatment.

 

July 19, 2009  The Power of Rhythm and Routine

August 16, 2009  Take Your hands off the Wheel
September 13, 2009  The Absolute No List
October 11, 2009  Soul-Loving Space
November 8, 2009  You’re so Sensitive
December 13, 2009  Tune-up Time
January 17, 2010  Does That Anger Taste Good?
February 21, 2010  Wake Up!
March 14, 2010  Your Extreme Self-Care First-Aid Kit.  Final class and closure.

Welcome. At the Center for Spiritual Living, Asheville, we start every meeting with a spiritual mind treatment. I will now get us started on the right foot.

Who is here for the first time? And who came to the first class and missed last month? We can get you all caught up. You can read the book of course, and my notes are posted on my website. I also have a few copies for those who do not have internet access.

I have encouraged you to select a partner to share with over the time between classes. I’d like you to pick someone you do NOT now know. This way, you get to meet people you never had the chance to meet, and your partner or best friend already knows your stuff and doesn’t want to hear about it again anyway! I think this is especially important this month. Really use this time to talk either on the phone, via email or in person and script your very important “no’s” in a loving and clear way.

Now for a review of the Mirror Mirror on the Wall exercise and you will have an opportunity to share your experiences with the group. Then, we’ll spend the bulk of the time on a very timely topic for most of us: Let me Disappoint You. We will talk about ways to piss off, disappoint and hurt the feelings of your friends and family! Sounds like the perfect topic for a spiritual workshop, ‘eh? This is the most popular chapter in the book. Most of us need to learn how to have more authentic relationships that are deeper and more honest and loving because you are able to say “no” when you mean it. And then “yes” is much more meaningful when you do say it.

Now to Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Our homework for the past month has been to look yourself in the eye whenever you see your reflection and say “I love you, Pam”. When you say those words, connect in with the god inside of you, and really mean it when you say it.

What I found is that I had no big “ah ha” moment. I have done this exercise before. What I experienced was a gentle movement toward being nicer to me. When taking Barbara’s recent prosperity class, my commitment was to be nicer to myself. I am a very good friend. I am kind and loving and gentle with my friends and family. I am too damn hard on me. I would never treat another person like I treat me. And what I find is that I am becoming aware of when I am mean to me….much sooner than before. I can correct the meanness much earlier and easier as I did this exercise. I find myself being much gentler and kinder and compassionate to me.

The whole Art of Extreme Self Care experience is about great mothering. Being a great mother to ourselves. Being gentle, and kind and open minded to yourself. Use a photo of yourself as a child and keep it near so that you honor the inner child and mother that child.

Gentle With Myself. Did you download it and listen? What were your experiences with it if you did? Some experienced sadness. That is just what comes up first sometimes.

Different ways to love self and experience self love:

• Spending time in nature.

• Put your hand over your heart and talk to that inner child and honor him/her. Talk to your inner child because that child sometimes runs the show anyway!

• Eating right, sleeping right

• Journaling in the morning: spontaneous positive affirmations,

• Gratitude journal

Mirror exercise…not a Saturday Night Live skit! The purpose was to create a stronger connection with yourself. How did that work for you? What worked for you? Where do you feel stuck?

Story about a long time, dear friend of Cheryl’s: She is a public figure, a very positive person and Cheryl had actually shared an apartment with her for a short time, long ago. She had been very actively doing positive affirmations, and intentions, and had attended an Empowerment Workshop and was involved in teaching it. Workshop by Gale Straub, David Girshand.

So her work had been changing and shifting with economic changes, and she was wondering what direction her business would take so that it would remain active and profitable. Cheryl thought she would be talking about marketing strategies. She asked her if she was still doing her affirmations, because Cheryl thought of her as an “Intentional Intender”. She was the “Queen of Affirmations”! So she took the idea of creating a business strategy and used spiritual skills to turn her business around. We’ll call this friend, Mary.

• Abundance flows to me every day in miraculous and surprising ways.

• The more I take care of myself, the more money I make.

• The universe opens the exact doors I need to walk through in order to take my business in a new and exciting direction.

At the end of the dinner, she thanked Cheryl for changing the direction of her thinking. The next day she got an email saying she just needed to tell Cheryl what had happened. She was working with a particular company and was very anxious to see what new directions her work could take with the company. She was unable to get to the right people in the company. She needed to talk to heads of departments, and she did not know who they were much less how to contact them. The very next day, she had a meeting at this company with someone who was going to help her learn how to navigate within the new divisions in the company. The meeting went well, with her getting some helpful information, but as she was leaving, she walked by the employee cafeteria. She noticed a sign that said that a meeting would be taking place right then, between the president of the company and the new business development executive VP. It was an open invitation for anyone working with the company to sit down and have a dialog with the company. Eight people showed up. She had the top two people in the company…the exact people she needed to talk to….she had their attention for an hour. She got all of the information that she needed, their contact information and could get her plan together to present it to them at future time.

This friend said that she knew that the only reason that this had happened was because she did her work. She went home and sat her butt down and did the affirmations over and over and over again until she believed them. Also, Mary was able to recognize the door and then opened it. She was able to take her life to a higher spiritual level because of her actions and affirmations. You have to NOTICE the door! Then you have to walk through!

What one action are you taking consistently for self care. “I could not have asked for a better opportunity to happen.” Doing the affirmations is one thing. Noticing the doors is another. Actually walking through the doors is yet another. It confirmed the power of affirming the direction of her life.

You let yourself know that you matter. That self care matters.

Caller: Affirmations are profound. She wakes up before the alarm. She writes a page of gratitudes before doing the affirmations. Makes it more “yummy”. She lit candles just for herself! (She was crying as she said that) She cleaned up her writing space to make it special. When we start to make our soul a priority, it can bring tears because we acknowledge that we actually matter. She signed up for personal training, allowing herself to spend the money on herself.

Caller: She had a wonderful mirror experience of a “compassion piece” that flowed over her. Never believed that Jesus really loved her. When people do mirror work consistently, and look deeply into own eyes, connect with profound experience of love. Experience of being loved like Jesus, great mother, great father would love.

Pam shared: When I was 42 years old and in a Healing Touch workshop, I felt loved for the very first time in my life! It was my turn to be the “client”, and my “therapist” was doing a chakra connection. She had one hand on my ankle and the other hand on my knee, connecting those chakras, and I felt one large very warm hand touch me just at my rib border over my liver on the right and another over my spleen on the left. This was a very real sensation to me. It was so real that I asked myself who could possibly be there working on me. Then I opened my eyes to see. There was nobody there at all and the answer I had gotten to my silent question was that Jesus and the archangel Gabriel were ministering to me. And for the first time in my life, I felt loved. It was a very powerful experience for me.

Caller: When doing the mirror exercise, he would put on a big smile like he was going to have a photograph taken. When he realized what he was doing, he started to look at himself as he really is. What does he see? Started to tune in with himself. Some people don’t feel genuine when they start this exercise. When you look in your eyes and stay with it a beat longer than you feel comfortable with, that’s when the shift starts. We all start out with a more superficial look into our eyes. But with practice the shift happens and we connect with our true self and that spreads out to others and we connect with them the same way. We see the world more authentically as we see ourselves more authentically.

Caller: This person is being told that she looks different as she has attended the workshop. What she has found is that normally she is a diplomat and grounded, but she is noticing that she is becoming angry in interactions with people. She yelled at the toll guy, she’s mad at her best friend, she’s arguing with her landlord, her co-workers are amazed. “This is not me.” “This is not normal.” She repeated these things several times. Cheryl: When you start to be present to ourselves by doing affirmations, mirror exercises, self care in general, we get in touch with feelings that we have stuffed for a very long time. Anger is one of the feelings that can come up. Instead of judging it, actually embrace it. See it as a messenger (whatever the emotion is, whether it’s anger, grief, sadness, put your arms around it and embrace it, welcome it in and give it a safe place to express itself.) So some days, instead of doing positive affirmations, write about what pisses you off! Give it a safe place for expression. Otherwise it will spill out when you really don’t want it to.

Cheryl has always been the good girl and when she finally started to take care of herself, the anger is what boiled out first. The flip side of anger is your power. You can not own your power until you first own your anger.

Cheryl told a story about breaking light bulbs in the basement. Her friend passed away and she was really angry at god for taking her friend away. But good girls don’t get angry. So while she and another friend were helping to clean out her house, that friend recognized her anger, took her to the basement and gave her a box of light bulbs. He then said that he was going back upstairs and turning the rock music up very loud and that Cheryl was to break the light bulbs against the concrete walls and floor of the basement, and not come back upstairs until they were all broken. Nobody could hear her and she was to just get the anger out. She was not even in a place of being able to acknowledge that she was feeling angry, but she threw a light bulb. Then another and another. Soon the whole box was broken and Cheryl was back upstairs looking for more glass to break!

 

Pam’s tale: Just after Christmas, I had a simple meal at home and I served my food then put up what was left for later. As I looked into the cabinet where I keep plasticware, I was unable to find a lid. I totally had a temper tantrum, sweeping everything out across the floor. Afterwards, I was taking my plate to the kitchen to put it into the dishwasher. I don’t remember what I was thinking but something snapped within me and I slammed that plate onto the floor, shattering it. Unfortunately, it was a Christmas china plate! So, going with it, I got out some old plates that had belonged to my Dad. He had purchased them at a garage sale and I loved that pattern. And they were chipped. I deserve to have plates that are not chipped. This thought had been in my mind for some time and I had actually decided to replace them after Christmas. So I picked up the plates one by one and slammed them onto the floor! They shattered quite nicely on the ceramic tile floor and I am still finding shards in odd places like in my plants.

Pam’s temper tantrum

Moving on to learning how to piss people off and disappoint them… and actually how to say no with grace and love.

Think about somebody you know who speaks his/her mind directly, somebody you can count on to tell the truth. Someone who will always let you know where they stand, and do so in a safe way. You don’t feel fearful when they are letting you know where they stand. Someone with a high self esteem. Someone who lives in their own body and is real, not someone who is always putting out feelers to see how another is doing before committing. Someone who stands in her truth and operates from there.

One of the quickest ways to grow up emotionally is learning how to set boundaries and to say no with grace and love. The homework is for you to practice throughout the year and not just for the month.

Let’s look at why we don’t say no and risk disappointing someone or angering them. If we are someone who does not want to be disappointed, then we most likely don’t want to inflict that pain on other people. You may feel guilty and the anxiety at feeling guilty may be too much, so you do whatever you can to get rid of the guilt. Or you may feel anxious because others might not like you. Or you want to keep everyone happy.

Think back to some time in your childhood and notice what age reflects a period of time where you were taught to keep people happy. That child will run your life!!! These messages are really simple and benign at the time, but can have major impacts on your life as an adult. Your life does not reflect your priorities because the 10 year old is running the show. Even though your adult self is aware, the 10 year old kicks in to keep everyone happy.

We don’t want to rock the boat. But, any time we make a choice to honor our self care, evolution happens. We come from systems, a family, a community that says that it is not Ok to make self care a priority. (any Catholics out there? Judaism runs on guilt, doesn’t it? I was raised Baptist, and there was no lack of guilt there, with an emphasis on service.) Many of us learned growing up that it’s not OK for us to have needs. When you come from that tribe and you start saying no to things that you don’t want to do, you are leaving the tribe. They will start to try to pull you back in, either literally or metaphorically. We learn that it is not OK to go out alone (a safety issue since you are at risk when alone). We are taught to be selfless and give and when we say no, we are breaking the rules. They will really really really need your help. It is an evolutionary step to rock the boat and say no. We have to step outside the norm in order to evolve. It’s a very scary thing to do and can feel life threatening. (Ex: Never go out hunting alone because you are then prey for a big animal. It’s in our bones.)

There are things that we can do to make it easier. And that’s what we are going to talk about now.

Just begin to notice the decisions that you make that do not honor your needs and wants and desires. As you start to begin to say no, what emerges are the yeses! What ARE my priorities and what things get in the way of my yeses. One of the blocks in our ability to say no is the lack of the language to say no with grace and love. Whether it is a big no or a smaller no, we can craft the language to say no with grace and love and that results in greater courage to actually do it.

Who do you need to disappoint? Who might you tick off with a decision that you need to make? How can you take something very scary and change it so that you can say no.

Here are the steps to saying no:

1. Buy some time.

Don’t immediately respond. Take some time to see how you really feel. Someone else’s timeline is not yours.

2. Do a gut check. Determine if this is something that you really want to do. Does it honor your priorities, your heart, the things that are important to you, your relationship.

3. Crafting the no. Begin by identifying the truth. How will I deliver the truth without being wishy-washy or riding the fence. How to be concise without over explaining or being defensive. Being a grownup who simply expresses the truth. What support might you offer….WHEN APPROPRIATE, in return for my no.

What is the truth?

Is there a charge around the request? Determine who you can discharge some of that energy with.

If you could say anything, what would it be?

Craft that response in a way that is respectful and in a way that they can really hear it.

Take a few moments. Take a deep breath. Think about something in your life where you need to say no, or where you actually need to change your mind about an agreement. Somebody you are afraid will be upset if you say no you can’t do something.

Notice what occurs to you and write down the person’s name.

Someone wrote in to ask: When someone says they’ll do something and then does not follow through, should I just accept the fact that they are simply disappointing me. Where does accountability come in? Answer: The more you get comfortable with saying no, the more you make commitments and you keep them. You don’t make them lightly. The beauty of buying some time is that you get to think about the promises you make. So the chances are that when you make that commitment, you’ll stick to it. We will all make mistakes and make promises that we have to renege on later. When people make a promise and then cavalierly break it, I would not say that that is an opportunity to feel disappointed. I would say that it’s an opportunity to have a conversation with somebody who needs to know that it is not OK to make a promise and then break it. When we start to honor ourselves with self care and out promises, we will also start to honor others the same way.

Example: Woman with a 5 year old child who spends time with her grandmother. This woman loves the relationship that her daughter and grandmother have, AND the grandmother smokes. The mother has made healthy living a priority and feels out of integrity when her daughter comes home smelling strongly of smoke, because the grandmother is smoking in her house and car while the child is with her.

“Mom, I love you. And I love the way my daughter loves you. I love the relationship that you have with my daughter. I love how she loves you. And I really want that relationship to continue and I want to fully support it. This is a really hard situation for me because I have made a commitment to myself to make sure that my daughter’s health is always honored. While I know that smoking is a very difficult habit to break, and whether you want to smoke or not is your business. It’s not my choice to make and I don’t judge you. What I need to do is to honor my own commitment to protect my daughter’s health. What I’m wondering is, if there is a way that we can negotiate some kind of arrangement where she can be with you life she so loves to be, while at the same time honoring my commitment to take care of her health.

The grandmother feeling like you are trying to take the granddaughter from her is about shame regarding her smoking.

Saying no about taking care of grandchildren. Daughter, I’m taking this year long class about extreme self care. What I have realized is that I am carrying this legacy of saying yes when I really want to say no. I’m afraid that I may have passed this legacy along to you, What I’m trying to do is to break this pattern of saying yes when I mean no. One of the places where I do that sometimes, is when I agree to watch the children. Sometimes I’m really tired or I have other plans or there’s something else that I want to do or I don’t feel like I’ll be present for the kids, and I just wanted you to know the truth because I love you and our relationship matters to me. I wanted you to know that I am going to be practicing saying no when I really feel a no, rather than yes, so that I’m really honoring the connection that you and I have. I wanted you to know that ahead of time, so that you don’t feel blindsided or hurt. I love you and I love the children. And I love me, too. This is about me learning to love me better.

Example: Fiance’ asks her to do things that she is not comfortable with. “If you love me, you’ll do this”. She thinks it is cheap and disrespectful. When a no is a no, the boundary is set. Sometimes there are consequences when the no is not honored. Be firm about the truth. There can be no window or crack open or you send mixed messages. In the past you have asked me to do “***”. I realize that I may not have been as clear and firm with you about this and I want to do that now. I want you to know that it’s not OK with me to do “***”. I do not feel comfortable. And I won’t be doing it. And I’d like to ask you to not make that request again. Are you willing?

So if he does do it again, back up the boundary again. If it continues, please look at that before you get married. Keep the energy clean, not “If he continues, I’ll just give that damn ring back.” When we get pissed off, that energy comes through. Ask graciously and if not, there is a deeper issues and it’s time to look at that.

Example: Needs to leave a marriage. When our disappointing someone is big, like changing a job where we are respected or leaving a relationship, it’s important to make sure that the decision is sound, that counseling has been done, and issues worked out, with both parties participating fully in the counseling. If you don’t look at your part in the relationship, you’ll create it again in the next one. Sometimes the greatest gift a woman can give a man is to say that I love you and I can’t continue in this relationship until you get help. We need to go together. This can be the motivation they need to live an authentic life as well. If your partner refuses counseling, then continue in counseling yourself so that you have the language to end the relationship and it is real and final. Or it’s real and an ultimatum about either getting help or moving on.

Example: Being a good daughter. Mom is controlling and lives with daughter. So every time mom does something controlling, (put this over here, cook this, do that) Consider the decision of not having them live with them. Afraid that she’ll piss them off.

Mom, I totally respect your choice to eat meat. I will cook the vegetables, but I would like you to cook the meat. Voice is light and not edgy, so no anger should result. When there is defensiveness, there is no truth.

Handling requests in a gracious and direct way works. Yes, you will risk pissing someone off, or hurting their feelings when you say no. Some people won’t like it as you start to get clear and set boundaries. It is a change when you have always taken care of all requests and suddenly you are not. And some people will really start to respect you, and admire you and learn from you, and be inspired by you. That’s what I want for you. To be that person who speaks your mind directly and can be counted on to tell the truth. And nobody will question when you say you will do something. Others will know that you are doing what you are doing because you really want to and not because you feel guilty. You are somebody who does not let the guilt that you may feel take you down so that you end up giving up your needs. But instead you have high self esteem and you don’t waste your energy trying to manage the perceptions of others because you recognize that it’s not your business!

Homework is to practice handling requests with the 3 step process. With the really tough ones, use your partner to help you work it out or to vent the anger so you can be clear and calm.

Buy yourself time,

Do a gut check to see what the truth is for you.

Deliver the truth with grace and love. Be clear and direct and light and gracious, with no charge. No over-explaining. No defending. Not opening up for debate. If you made an agreement and you need to back out, (babysit sister’s kids, but something came up with work, it would be the right thing to do to help her find a babysitter.)

Continue doing the affirmations daily.

Deborah Belcher will now do our closing treatment.

 

July 19, 2009  The Power of Rhythm and Routine

August 16, 2009  Take Your hands off the Wheel

September 13, 2009  The Absolute No List

October 11, 2009  Soul-Loving Space

November 8, 2009  You’re so Sensitive

December 13, 2009  Tune-up Time

January 17, 2010  Does That Anger Taste Good?

February 21, 2010  Wake Up!

March 14, 2010  Your Extreme Self-Care First-Aid Kit.  Final class and closure

These are my actual notes from the workshop.

Welcome!  My name is Pam Hauser and this is the Art of Extreme Self Care workshop.  We start everything here at the Center for Spiritual Living with a spiritual mind treatment.  Bob Damiani is here to get us started on the right foot. 

 

Who is here for the first time today?  A special welcome to you!  I have a sign in sheet that I am going to pass around.  Please fill in your preferred contact information.  We are looking at changing the meeting dates and I want to be able to contact you to let you know.

 

The way this will work today is that I will do a review of what we talked about last time (which was titled End the Legacy of Deprivation) so you new folks can get caught up with us.  Then we’ll go over the homework assignment and we’ll all have a chance to share our “ah ha” moments over the past 2 weeks.  If you weren’t here, but bought the book and did the assignment, please feel free to jump in!   After that, we’ll go over the topic for this week, which is Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.  Somewhere in the middle, we’ll have a 5 minute break.  This workshop is casual, so please take care of your needs.  It is very much interactive.  I do not intend to stand up here and lecture for 2 hours, so please just raise your hand when you wish to speak and I’ll come to you with the microphone. We have people who need that boost in order to be able to hear what is said.

 

At the break, I have an assignment for you.  We did this last time, so I’ll want to hear how that went.  The assignment is to find yourself a support partner.  I prefer that you pick someone whom you do NOT know.  Life partners and friends already know your “stuff” and you can more easily bamboozle them.  So find someone you do not know and contact that person at least weekly just to check in about the homework.  You can email or call each other or go out for lunch.  The worst case is that you know 12 new people at the end of the year, and you just might have 12 new friends. 

 

Now, to get everyone caught up, I want to address the word “Selfish”.  The dictionary defines selfish as:

     Devoted to or caring only for oneself.  Concerned 

primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc, regardless of others.

Synonyms:  self-interested, self-seeking, egoistic-illiberal, parsimonious, stingy.

 

When Cheryl started writing this book, her husband had had a simple surgery to remove a lump on his ear.  During the surgery, he had a complication that impacted their lives for 3 years!  Cheryl was not only writing this book, but running a company, hosting a weekly radio show, traveling to speaking engagements AND they were in the final stages of building their dream home.  Sounds like a busy life to me!  So, in addition to her already full schedule, she added in doctor visits, pharmacy runs and additional emotional support for her husband.  PLUS, he had been the one in charge of the dream home project and she took on those many tasks as well. 

 

When hit with challenges, and you will be in life, we run our default programs.  We revert back to patterns we picked up in childhood.  Patterns our mothers, father, grandparents, neighbors and siblings taught up.  Cheryl as the oldest child, went into “rescue mode” and just “did what she had to do”, “put her nose to the grindstone”.  Another person who perhaps coped by taking refuge in their room to avoid fighting with parents as a teenager, would respond differently.  This person would probably withdraw from friends, isolating themselves from stress. 

 

The result of Cheryl’s coping and doing it all si that she was exhausted!  She also felt resentful and frustrated, alone and afraid, but she never reached out.

 

So there she was writing a book about Extreme Self Care and engaging in a life that was in extreme disrepair!  One of the things that she did was to seek professional support from a counselor who specifically worked with those in the midst of a medical crisis, who were specifically caretakers.  The advantage of a professional is that they are able to be onlookers and unlike our friends and family, they have no investment in the drama.  They are just there to help sort out the mess and support us through our journey. 

 

So I am not advocating selfishness.  This workshop is about self care.  Taking care of yourself so that you have even more to give.  One of the advantages of taking care of ourselves is that when we start to clean out the “stuff”, we are cleaning out stuff that drains us and is unnecessary.  When we create a soul nurturing environment, become willing to ask for help, are willing to risk pissing someone off by saying no, honoring our sensitivities, learn to stand up for ourselves, we clear away stuff that pulls us down.  Our natural gifts float to the surface.  Your purpose for living and ways you can be of service to others is what surfaces.

 

The more you take care of yourself, stop engaging in programs that lead to your beating yourself up, the clearer you will be and you will know what you want to do for others in a healthy way.  As we talked about last time, we learn to give from LOVE instead of because it’s the “right thing to do” or an obligation or because you’ve always done it or you don’t want to disappoint someone.  These reasons lead to martyrdom.  They lead to exhaustion, resentment, anger, frustration. 

 

“If I want something done, I have to do it myself”

“Nobody ever does anything around here”

“I never get help”

 

Self care leads to service to others, but not at the expense of the self, time with family or friends, time in prayer or meditation, time doing soul nurturing things that make me a better person.

 

Cheryl stated in her book that she felt deprived of

        Sleep

        Emotional support

        Time to herself

        Physical energy

        Companionship

        Peace  (worrying)

        Hope

        Touch

 

No wonder she felt empty and resentful all the time.  She was busy being the “good girl”. 

 

Our homework was to keep a small notebook handy and to look at ways that we felt deprived and how we felt about them.  Also, we were to write a page of positive affirmations each day.  I personally have never been very good at doing daily meditation or journaling.  But I was able to do this homework, with the exception of one day when I was out of town and I just forgot since my routine was so different. 

 

Awareness is a powerful catalyst for positive change.  Once you know where you feel deprived, you can take steps to take care of yourself.  Cheryl put this book on hold, limited phone calls and emails, put some business projects on hold and eliminated others that stressed her out. She let go of 50% of what she was doing.  She also lined up friends to be on call for venting and she started asking for help in spite of feeling awkward. 

 

One of the things that Cheryl does to nurture herself is to sit in the sun with her cat every morning. She journals a page or two to ‘dump out’ whatever is in her head first and then she write at least a page of positive affirmations.  Then, she finishes by reading something uplifting. 

 

Here’s something she read just prior to her online workshop on this topic:

 

Notes from the Universe by Mike Dooley:

“Isn’t it a hoot”

Of all the people in all the world, who actually get it, few if any, actually give it to themselves.  The trick?  Baby steps.  Give just a little today.  Give credit, give praise, give goodies to yourself and the universe will give you even more.  Selfishness is a virtue, unless you believe it must come at the expense of others.  And why would anyone think that?  Oh yeah.  That’s what all the people who don’t get it told you.

 

Now it’s time to hear from you about your homework.  What were you deprived of?  Was it what you thought you were deprived of?  And the affirmations…did something shift?  We only had 2 weeks and not a month, but that’s time enough for shift to at least begin to happen.  What were you “ah ha” moments? 

 

Examples:

• One person was skeptical.  How can affirmations change my life?  And found that they changed her perspective on her day.  The affirmations started to come spontaneously.  They made her more positive.  She saw how her thoughts and action affect others.  She became more deliberate in choosing words.  And was gentler with herself and with others.  She was able to develop a “witnessing perspective” which keeps us above the drama, and increases our self awareness. 

 

• Another found that when feeling stressed or anxious, the affirmation would pop into her head and her anxiety decreased and her mood lifted.  The universe IS conspiring in my favor!  When you practice affirmations, you draw to you the experiences that you want.

 

• Deprived of allowing her body to experience playfulness (was diagnosed with MS 23 years ago).  She booked a dolphin retreat.  When we take a major step like this, sometimes we experience “pre retreat karma” that tries to convince us not to go!  Go anyway!

 

• Not making choices for herself.  Her life was not her own.  When doing the affirmations, she found that she did not believe “I am important”.  She was able to break through that a move forward. 

 

• Another person called in and said that since doing work with Louise Hay and now Cheryl, her life is getting worse!  She has just been diagnosed with breast cancer.  What is true is that her life would be much worse without the support of this work.  AND what I learned with my journey of cancer with my daughter, cancer is a healing crisis.  I noticed years ago that when I was in the midst of growth in the late 90’s (when I changed my diet, changed my thoughts, changed my career, got a divorce, changed my friends) my body hurt!  I had arthritis to flare up, fibromyalgia, lots of pain in my body.  I didn’t understand what that was about at first.  Why would I be hurting when I’m doing all of this good work?  Then I figured out that the change in my life was precipitating the pain and learning to look at is as a positive thing.  I would celebrate the physical evidence that I was moving forward!  If you are experiencing healing events….go to the last chapter and work there. 

 

• A caller wanted to push it further.  Do more.  Doing affirmations 3 times a day and wanting to be gung ho, go wide open.  SLOW DOWN!  Only do affirmations once a day.  It’s not a race.  It’s not about what more we can do, but about the little things we do daily and consistently.  The gung ho person will burn out.  What this is about is getting experience with being still with ourselves.  It’s not about DOING!  It’s about connecting with our feelings, connecting with our hearts and living from there.

 

• Guilt is another thing that can come up.  When changes are made, and we experience guilt—CELEBRATE!  Sometimes when we start making changes, we trigger old guilt.  So it’s not so much new guilt in the moment, but the backlog of old stuff that comes up.  Welcome this!  Put your arm around the guilt and welcome it.  Curl up in bed with guilt and say “If feeling you is what it takes to feel me, fine.”  What happens with a lot of us is that we get busy doing “stuff” in order to resist the guilt and run from it.  What we resist, persists.  When we resist, we can get panicky, more anxious because the feelings grow in the dark.  They don’t stand up to the light of day.  The monster in the closet is never as big and as scary once you turn on the light! 

 

• Invest as much energy in self care as you would your job.

 

Extreme self care is about extraordinary mothering AND fathering.  She left out the fathering part in the book.  The feminine is receptive, sitting quietly daily and experiencing meditation.  The masculine is the action side that actually makes the change. 

 

The only way to change/shift old coping strategies is experience.  Putting change into action.  The experience of doing something different.  It is important to being some place…where is not as important…and be willing to be imperfect with it.  Knowledge and awareness is a good start, but only action/experience makes the change happen.  YOU CAN NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR NOT DOING SELF CARE!       

 

Be gentle with myself: Karen Drucker.   Play CD.  Cheryl had just done two ‘sermons’ at a Unity church and was upset with herself and beating herself up.  This song had been sung at both services and she found that it spontaneously popped into her head when she needed it.  She calls this “virus protection software” that plays in the background of her mind.  I find that this sometimes happens with the song that we always sing at the beginning of our celebrations:  There is only love. 

 

As we talked about last week, the more ways you can do something the better we “get it”.  If you write something, speak it, sing it, dance it, the power increases.  Cheryl recommends that we download this from iTunes and play it on our iPod, or you can burn a CD if you don’t have one.  It’s only 99 cents.

 

OK.  Some people might be thinking they don’t want to participate in a kumbaya experience!  Cheryl said this was her opinion!  But she realized that she really needed this more than those who were willing.  So no bathroom breaks here.  The part of you who is thinking kumbaya, is that part of you that beats yourself up….. your inner critic.  So listen, feel free to sing along, it’s very repetitive.  Sway or dance if you wish.  And Breathe! 

 

This workshop is about learning to love yourself more.  But I am not saying “love yourself more” and leaving it there.  We are talking about practical ways to learn to love.  Coaching is about taking action.  It’s about giving yourself the habit of time with yourself.  I have started setting an alarm a full hour before I need to be up.  I also set the coffee pot so that the smell of the coffee is what wakes me up, because I love that.  I might not drink the coffee, either!  But the smell is what is important to me.  I like to wake up gently.  On nice days, I sit on my deck or on my swing and pet my cat or my dog.   On colder days, I sit up in my bed and do the same thing and write affirmations in my journal.  I find that it sets the tone for my day in a very positive way.  I also do whatever I can the night before to be ready for the day.  I make my lunch, set out my clothes, get what I need gathered by the door or put it in the car already.  I no longer am rushing around as crazy in the morning and I am much less likely to be late. 

 

Pull out a photo of yourself as a child and frame it.  Keep it somewhere you will see it every day…on your desk, your vanity, the kitchen.  See yourself as a vulnerable child, worthy of being cared for.  She especially likes pictures that show little hands and feet.

 

Another way to connect with yourself is to go out into nature.  Walk, hike, bike, run.  Go outside and connect with your own authenticity/pureness.  It is spiritually nurturing to be outside.  Hug a tree.  We are blessed to be in the mountains.  I like to sit in the hot tub at night and look up at the stars.

 

Do something playful.  Dance in your home or take a dance class.  Do pottery, work with your hands, paint.  Connect with the child inside of you. 

 

Another thing that Cheryl does is to put her hand over her heart when she is feeling stressed or uncertain.   When you need to do something that you find stressful (telling teenagers that they have to do their own laundry, asking for a raise, etc) she puts her hand over her heart and tells herself  “I stand by you.  I am here for you, Pam.”  And she talks nicely to herself.  A lot of the time we beat ourselves up for not doing “it” sooner, not saying the right thing.  How many times do you walk around looking like an adult, but your inner 5 year old is really running the show?!

 

 Ways to nurture yourself.

 

• Bubble bath…fun and kid-like
• Rest when I’m tired
• In bed by 9am so I get my rest
• 90 minute massage every other week
• Wrap self up in a blanket and take a nap
• Ride a motorcycle on the open road and feel the mountains
• Get a pedicure
• Hot stone massage….massage schools are cheaper
• Buy yourself a little gift every month
• Permission to feel your feelings with no criticism allowed
• My time with worthwhile and I am worthwhile
• Run around with a puppy and play, howl

 

OK, so now you have practical things that you can pick from to nurture yourself! 

 

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, was not originally a chapter in the book.  Cheryl was on Oprah with Louise Hay doing a couple of shows on The Law of Attraction and The Secret.  During the taping of those shows, Louise repeatedly referred to looking into a mirror and saying “I love you”.  Cheryl had heard of the exercise, but had never done it, so she made a commitment to do it…..and put it off.  Then one day it popped into her head and she stopped right there and did it. 

 

Read page 11

 

So once you love yourself, you find that you have more love to share with others.  It results in greater kindness and gentleness with others and you.

 

Kurt Van Sickle.  Mother Devine.  These can be downloaded at Amazon.com for 99 cents.  Although this is one hour of music, it is one long track and is counted as one song and is only 99 cents.  (also River of Life by the same composer.)  Sacred music has a consciousness of its own.  It helps to shift energy and creates a loving space…even if nobody is present when it plays.  Play this in the background as you cook, clean or do “mindless chores” around the house.  do not play Mother Devine and drive because it can send you to an altered state and you need to stay present while driving!  Cheryl calls this music “virus protection software” because it will pop into your head at odd moments when you need it, pushing out the negative junk. 

 

What can come up when listening to this are feelings that have been pushed down.  Feelings that we have not honored.  Often sadness and tears can happen.  So just honor what is there.  You may feel very peaceful and happy when listening. 

 

When you cry, you release pain that you don’t have to experience again.  Rent a sad movie, get a baggie and a box of Kleenex and cry.  Then when you are done, put all of the tissues into a bag, tie it up, get into your car and take the bag to a rubbish bin and get rid of it right then.  “This is shit I don’t have to deal with anymore”.  I swear this is a quote from Cheryl!

 

OK.  Homework. 

 

Continue journaling.  Do the affirmations daily.  Notice where they move you.

 

Download Gentle with Myself by Karen Drucker.  Or, if you wish to buy the CD, you can go to her website and buy it.  This song is actually on 3 albums:  Songs of the Spirit III, Power of Women and The Heart of Healing

Karen Drucker
C/O 4th Way Fullfillment Company
PO Box 5106
Oxnard, CA 93031
Toll Free: 888.908.6060
Fax: 805.485.1801.

 

Download Mother Devine (if you wish) by Kurt Van Sickle

Mirror exercise

 

The next class is Let me Disappoint You!  It will be about learning to say no!  A personal favorite! (Because I need it so.)

 May 17, 2009  Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
June 14, 2009  Let me Disappoint You
July 19, 2009  The Power of Rhythm and Routine
August 16, 2009  Take Your hands off the Wheel
September 13, 2009  The Absolute No List
October 11, 2009  Soul-Loving Space
November 8, 2009  You’re so Sensitive
December 13, 2009  Tune-up Time
January 17, 2010  Does That Anger Taste Good?
February 21, 2010  Wake Up!
March 14, 2010  Your Extreme Self-Care First-Aid Kit.  Final class and closure

 

These are my actual notes from the workshops. 

 

I have gotten 2 questions a LOT:

1)  Why am I doing this?

2) Don’t you really mean that you’re going to talk about being selfish?

 

I am doing this because I want a support group!  It’s just that simple.  This book came out late last year.  I get emails from Hay House when wonderful new books come out.  When I got this email, I instantly knew that this work was for me to do….for me, anyway!  Cheryl Richardson wrote the Art of Extreme Self Care just for me!  Pam Hauser! 

 

You see, all of my life I have taken care of everyone EXCEPT Pam Hauser.  It’s only since I have passed that “40” milestone that I’ve realized that maybe I deserve to be cared for, too.  This has not happened as an instantaneous “ah ha!” moment, but has been a gradual dawning.  An unfolding.  And the timing for this is perfect right now in my life. 

There is another reason that I asked to do this workshop.  Cheryl Richardson has an online workshop for this book.  She is doing the exact same thing, only participants are calling in from around the world and a few get to actually speak directly with Cheryl and ask their question.   In the late fall/early winter when I learned of this online thing, I looked at the price and did not believe that I could afford it.  My life was in turmoil.  Money was very scarce, and I was just starting to climb out of debt due to my daughter’s illness.  I just could not see myself able to do the online course.  Along about February, they reduced the price to $199 AND I had been working pretty much 7 days a week AND manifested some unexpected income, so I bought the course!  I jumped in on the 3^rd live online event and I have the first 2 classes on my iPod to listen to over and over again! 

 

Another way that I know that this work is for me to do right now is that my word for the year is “Self”.  Do any of you do a work for the year instead of resolutions? 

 

Do you want me to talk a bit about that?

 

In 2005, my word was Survive

2006               Easy

2007               Thrive

2008               Adventure

2009               Self

 

Now, I want to address the word “Selfish”.  The dictionary defines selfish as:

     Devoted to or caring only for oneself.  Concerned 

primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc, regardless of others.

Synonyms:  self-interested, self-seeking, egoistic-illiberal, parsimonious, stingy.

 

So I’m NOT going to talk about selfishness!  I AM going to talk about self care.  The kind of self care that airlines encourage…where you put on your own oxygen mask before you help others, simply because you can NOT help anyone else without first having the oxygen to do so!  The kind of self care that fills you up with love and joy and generosity. The kind of self care where you have plenty to give to others.  It is NOT a paradox!  You can not truly GIVE unless you have something to give.

 

When we give from an empty tank, then we give out of obligation, or guilt, or reflex at best.  When we give from a full tank, we give out of LOVE!

 

And THAT’s why this course is important to me.

 

Handouts with references:

        www.cherylrichardson.com

        phauser44@gmail.com

        (828) 279-8636

       

I would like to take a moment and officially  introduce my support team.  Deborah Belcher and Bob Damiani are licensed practitioners here at the Center for Creative Living.  Does anyone NOT know what that means?  Like deacons in the Baptist church, only they have 3 years of education, been tested and sat before a board of Religious Science leaders from across our nation to determine their eligibility to be leaders in our community. 

 

I see my role as the facilitator of this workshop.  I intend for this to be an interactive process.  I will not be standing up here lecturing for 2 hours once a month.  Please raise you hand and be recognized before speaking.  And of course, be respectful of others when they speak. 

 

I will open each class and we will have our spiritual mind treatment prayer.  Then I’ll briefly review the last class.