This article was written by Stacy Curnow (www.midwifeforyourlife.com) and is reprinted with permission from the author. It touched by life and I want to share it with you. In the 80’s, I read a book named Resilience. It is a quality that I have. I simply choose to continue living, despite the harsh events of my life. You can too. This topic goes along with the series of workshops that I facilitate: The Art of Extreme Self Care.If you were to gather up the day’s news you would invariably come to the conclusion that the world needs saving, right? Well, I expect it will need saving tomorrow, too. And in the meantime, I am going to reflect on what it means to “do something” in the face of great suffering.Yes, the reports from around the world are dire, but they reflect something else, too: The scale of suffering is balanced by resilience, courage, and hope.I’m reminded of a recent article that described resilient people: they’re distinguished by the fact that after a trauma, they don’t just return to their point of departure. They cope and then get strength in the future from their success in the past.Our resilience as individuals has created an extraordinarily resilient species. Without diminishing the tragedy in Haiti at all, we can predict that some people will come out of this trauma stronger for the experience.And yet, that resilience looks like the sort of thing you’d expect from super heroes. Many of us have not even experienced that sort of trauma, much less overcome it to become stronger.But we look at the headlines, feel our responsibility for making the world a better place, and then begin to think that we should be super heroes, that we have to be, because the suffering we see—whether in Haiti, or in our own home towns, or even in our best friends’ relationships—calls out to us to alleviate it. And many of us serve others in our work: for us, that sense of responsibility can become a chronic, debilitating condition.Of course, feeling this responsibility and acting on it every time is the fastest way to total collapse. So the next question is: Is constant striving necessary to save the world? Is it the best way to achieve our goals? Is it even the best way to do our jobs?I sure hope not. In fact, I don’t believe it. Would it take some serious rewiring for you to think of overwork as a form of violence? It took me a little while to look at it this way—as one of the most prevalent forms of violence in the world—but I think it’s a good point and worthy of more reflection.Thomas Merton was a 20th century American Catholic writer, a Trappist monk, a poet and a social activist. He promoted interfaith understanding and was one of the first Westerners to develop relationships with the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hahn.He was a man who saw the suffering in the world—and had dedicated himself to addressing it—but he wrote “To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to violence.”He proposed that unless rest, wisdom, and delight are embedded in the problem-solving process itself, the solution we patch together is not likely to offer genuine relief. Born of desperation and exhaustion, it almost guarantees that an equally perplexing problem will emerge as soon as it is put into place.Really, what good can come from the nonstop effort? When we are working constantly, eating poorly, sleeping little, stressing and worrying, we are little good to ourselves. In this condition, how can we possibly be of service to others?I often fear that it may be too late; that there is much to do; that there is not enough time, money, or people to do it. But I also realize that this fear itself wears me down. I believe that the overwhelm, the overwork, the over-caring that we feel actually diminishes our ability to care, our willingness to help and our effectiveness in the long run.I can’t speak for others. I can only look at my own life and ask these questions. And so I do: Are my important relationships suffering? Am I frequently mentally fatigued and emotionally fragile? Am I experiencing an illness or pain in my body?The answer to any one of these questions is too often yes. So I go back to Thomas Merton’s proposal for undoing all of this harm: Commit to rest, wisdom and delight. Not as a means of avoiding our work in the world, but as a means of making us stronger for the work in front of us.Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, wrote that we are at risk of losing the talent of appreciating ease. I think she’s right. Italians actually have a name for this talent—dolce far niente (which translates to “the sweetness of doing nothing”). The fact that we don’t even have an English equivalent for this lovely sentiment speaks to a certain malaise in our culture, don’t you think?So here’s my prescription for ridding myself of the malaise and injecting some dolce far niente into my system:Start small. Eat and drink well. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Smile and make eye contact with the people around you. Say you’re sorry simply and without defensiveness. Be a good friend. Take walks and look up often. Laugh a lot. And then, once you’re rested and ready to begin again, focus on the world—on the work—in front of you.I’m always ready to take a dose of that medicine.

These are my actual notes from the workshops. 

 

I have gotten 2 questions a LOT:

1)  Why am I doing this?

2) Don’t you really mean that you’re going to talk about being selfish?

 

I am doing this because I want a support group!  It’s just that simple.  This book came out late last year.  I get emails from Hay House when wonderful new books come out.  When I got this email, I instantly knew that this work was for me to do….for me, anyway!  Cheryl Richardson wrote the Art of Extreme Self Care just for me!  Pam Hauser! 

 

You see, all of my life I have taken care of everyone EXCEPT Pam Hauser.  It’s only since I have passed that “40” milestone that I’ve realized that maybe I deserve to be cared for, too.  This has not happened as an instantaneous “ah ha!” moment, but has been a gradual dawning.  An unfolding.  And the timing for this is perfect right now in my life. 

There is another reason that I asked to do this workshop.  Cheryl Richardson has an online workshop for this book.  She is doing the exact same thing, only participants are calling in from around the world and a few get to actually speak directly with Cheryl and ask their question.   In the late fall/early winter when I learned of this online thing, I looked at the price and did not believe that I could afford it.  My life was in turmoil.  Money was very scarce, and I was just starting to climb out of debt due to my daughter’s illness.  I just could not see myself able to do the online course.  Along about February, they reduced the price to $199 AND I had been working pretty much 7 days a week AND manifested some unexpected income, so I bought the course!  I jumped in on the 3^rd live online event and I have the first 2 classes on my iPod to listen to over and over again! 

 

Another way that I know that this work is for me to do right now is that my word for the year is “Self”.  Do any of you do a work for the year instead of resolutions? 

 

Do you want me to talk a bit about that?

 

In 2005, my word was Survive

2006               Easy

2007               Thrive

2008               Adventure

2009               Self

 

Now, I want to address the word “Selfish”.  The dictionary defines selfish as:

     Devoted to or caring only for oneself.  Concerned 

primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc, regardless of others.

Synonyms:  self-interested, self-seeking, egoistic-illiberal, parsimonious, stingy.

 

So I’m NOT going to talk about selfishness!  I AM going to talk about self care.  The kind of self care that airlines encourage…where you put on your own oxygen mask before you help others, simply because you can NOT help anyone else without first having the oxygen to do so!  The kind of self care that fills you up with love and joy and generosity. The kind of self care where you have plenty to give to others.  It is NOT a paradox!  You can not truly GIVE unless you have something to give.

 

When we give from an empty tank, then we give out of obligation, or guilt, or reflex at best.  When we give from a full tank, we give out of LOVE!

 

And THAT’s why this course is important to me.

 

Handouts with references:

        www.cherylrichardson.com

        phauser44@gmail.com

        (828) 279-8636

       

I would like to take a moment and officially  introduce my support team.  Deborah Belcher and Bob Damiani are licensed practitioners here at the Center for Creative Living.  Does anyone NOT know what that means?  Like deacons in the Baptist church, only they have 3 years of education, been tested and sat before a board of Religious Science leaders from across our nation to determine their eligibility to be leaders in our community. 

 

I see my role as the facilitator of this workshop.  I intend for this to be an interactive process.  I will not be standing up here lecturing for 2 hours once a month.  Please raise you hand and be recognized before speaking.  And of course, be respectful of others when they speak. 

 

I will open each class and we will have our spiritual mind treatment prayer.  Then I’ll briefly review the last class.  I’ll open the floor for sharing of experience throughout the month. We will want to hear that you did the homework and what changed in your life as a result.  All sharing is optional!  But if you had a major “ah ha!” moment, it is certain that your experience can enrich the lives of the rest of us.  Be clear and specific! 

 

We will take a break in the middle.  At the end, I’ll go over the homework for the next month.  We’ll pass the baskets for the love offering to the Center and we’ll close with a spiritual mind treatment.

 

A word about homework:

 

I take this work seriously.  I will do the homework daily.  It will not take a major investment in time, just commitment and intent.  Doing it daily will be very important.  Whatever you put into this process will determine what you get out of it.  Do NOT expect to come to the monthly meetings, go home and do nothing for the month and experience amazing results!  But in 5-15 minutes a day, doing the exercises, you CAN have amazing results. 

 

Where are you now?  Take a moment.  Close your eyes and take a look at your life.  See the people in your life.  See your home.  See your job.  See your checkbook balance.  See your body.  What is working?  What would you like to see happening differently?  EVEN IF YOUR LIFE ALREADY ROCKS!!! 

 

Take a deep cleansing breath.

 

What do you want your life to look like in 5 years, or 10 years, or even 20 years.  Again see the people in your life.  See your home.  Your job.  Your checkbook balance.  Does it look the same?  Can it possibly be the same? 

 

Take another deep cleansing breath.

 

If you keep doing what you have been doing, you will get more of the same thing.  If there is anything that you would want to look differently, then I challenge you to take this workshop seriously, do the work and watch your life flow more smoothly, more abundantly, more joyously! 

 

When I say take this work seriously, I mean you commitment is serious.  I do not want you to be toiling away!  I want you to have fun with this.  My belief is that we are here to have fun.  To be joyous.  To love and laugh and play out loud. 

 

I have an assignment for you to do over the break.  I want us all to partner up for support throughout this month.  I STRONGLY SUGGEST! That you partner up with someone who you do NOT currently know.  Do NOT choose your spouse or your best friend or your life partner!  Choose someone you don’t know, but who has a similar communication preference! 

 

Phone callers with phone callers

Emailers with emailers! 

 

I believe that this can be a life-changing process when done solo.  But I also believe that it will be a richer process when shared.  If we were supposed to be alone, we would have our own planets!  It’s possible that you will have 12 new wonderful friends at the end of the year! 

 

A note to extroverts:  You KNOW who you are!  Before you go get your coffee and socialize, check out the introverts and see if you’d like to make a new friend. 

 

OK now BREATHE!

 

Let’s get started:

 

The topic for today is:

 

End the Cycle of Deprivation

 

I want us to think about what is draining in your life.  What is draining you?

 

Take a moment, make some notes, or close your eyes and ponder.  Be quiet here.

 

What is draining you?

 

Be with that for a moment.

 

Breathe!

 

How does it make you feel?  Angry, exhausted, guilty, depressed?  Some other feeling?

 

Breathe!

 

Now switch gears.  What is fueling you?

 

Be with that for a moment.  What fills your life with joy?  What brings you pleasure?  What opens your heart?

 

Take another deep breath…

 

Does anyone want to share their thoughts on this?

 

In her online program, Cheryl Richardson said that she spent her first TWO YEARS as a coach, working on her life.  She worked on her relationships, her physical body, her financial resources, cleaning up credit card debt, and beginning to save and invest.  She worked on her home, uncluttering and beautifying it so that it was a soul filling place to be. 

 

She found that the more clear she became,

the more she took care of herself,

the more she got her act together.

The more attractive she became.  She became a magnet.  What she found is that as she changed, he world around her changed.  Even the people in her life changed. 

 

What I have found is that when I’ve changed through the years (especially 1997-98) that the people in my life have shifted.  You may find that some change with you, go along for the ride because they are doing similar work (whether you know about it or not!) and some will leave your life.  When I went through my “molting” in 97-98, I changed almost everything about my life.  I changed my diet, I changed my church, I changed careers, got a divorce.  And my friends changed as well.  I actually have none of the friends who were in my life in 1997.  I met new wonderful friends who are so much better that I really don’t miss the old ones at all!  Especially the one who lingered the longest….When I moved here, she’s the one who said “Now who is going to do my taxes!”  I don’t miss her!

 

What is true for Cheryl and for me is that my life is a reflection of that work in the past.  We have both experienced some tough times, but we both have come through them in better places because of the work that we did back then. 

 

As Cheryl was writing this book, her husband experienced complications from a simple routine surgery that impacted her life for about 3 years.  So there she was, writing a book about self care and her life reflected extreme disrepair!  What she did during this crisis was to turn back to her old patterns.  Patterns that she had inherited from her family.  She sucked it up and put her nose to the grindstone and continued to do it ALL!  She engaged in compulsive over-giving.  She kept up her speaking schedule, writing her book, book promotions, AND taking care of her husband and their home.  They were at the end of completing their dream home, something that her husband had been in charge of, with many details to be taken care of!  She just added to her already long list of duties.  Our ineffective coping strategies will pop up whenever we are stressed.

 

Of course, it is not at all ironic that this happened while she was writing a book about extreme self care!  We tend to bring into our lives those things that will help us to work on our goals.

 

When life brings us challenges, we REALLY need self care the most.  One of her friends talked with her about her response to her life.  I have friends like this!  And she GOT IT!  She called her publisher and postponed the book.  AND he understood, even asking what he could do to help.  She was able to see that it was OK to cut back for a while.  That taking care of herself was OK.  Putting her book on hold was OK, too.

 

So I want us to take a moment and think about coping strategies.  What do you do when things get tough?  If the poop is hitting the fan, what do you do?

 

–Clean house.  The more stressed I am, the cleaner my house is!

–Stay up late.

–Watch TV  (escape)

–Overeat, don’t eat

–Drink alcohol  (numbing)

–Work long hours,

–Stay busy all the time….doing nothing!

–Hibernate

 

Some people get married to routine.  They become rigid and there is not life in routine.  Rhythm has ebb and flow to it.  Routine is stagnant.

 

What are your coping strategies?

What are you deprived of?

 

Does anyone want to share their thoughts on this?

 

What about “My life is great.  Wanting more or even something different makes me feel selfish.”

 

Does anyone feel this way?

 

Let’s look at that?  Is life ever stagnant?  Life has movement or we’re dead.  We are never ever DONE!!!  So you buy your perfect home.  It’s beautiful.  It’s the house of your dreams.  A month later….

    You buy chotchkes. 

    You paint the living room another color

    You plant different plants in the garden

    You buy new furniture

 

IT’S NEVER DONE!!!!

 

Coping strategies keep us bound in deprivation.  The deprive us of joy, pleasure, fun, thriving.  Look at why you do what you do.  What is your motivation?  Is it guilt?  Because you’ve always do it?  Because it’s expected of you?  Out of obligation?  If these are your reasons, you quickly become a martyr. 

 

Examples: 

 

Bringing in the groceries:  “I have to do everything.”

 

Laundry basket at the top of the stairs so your partner can bring it down:  “If I want something done, I have to do it myself.“ 

 

Cheryl says that “men’s brains are wired differently”.  I prefer that we can all communicate effectively, asking for what we need.  It avoids resentment because “they” are not reading your mind!   Ask WAY before the NEED arises. 

 

How many 1^st born are here:  Hero, savior role, yes machines?

 

The desire to have people like me. Not piss anyone off, approval seeking

 

Set boundaries.  (There will be a class later on saying no!)  Make yourself a soul nurturing environment.  It’s the little things that will make that for you.  You decide what you need and it does not have to cost anything.  It might just be organizing your closet so you can find your shoes!  Or a special piece of clothing that you haven’t been able to find.  If your whole house needs organization, take one room per week and organize it.  Everything that does not belong can be put up or placed in a box for the room that it belongs in. 

 

How would your life have been different if your parents had modeled self care?

 

Internal changes need to happen to avoid becoming a martyr.  Build in some time in your schedule for quiet, meditation, calmness, a walk in the woods, whatever feeds your soul. 

 

So your son wants to add a 3^rd sport?  He’s already in soccer and baseball and wants to start playing football!  You CAN say no.  Parents deserve to have a life.  You will be more present with them if you are not frazzled from rushing around.

 

Self care:  Let’s say that you decide that you will not be answering emails, text messages, phone calls daily.  I’ve recently discovered that I do not HAVE to answer the phone just because it rings!  You can tell this to your family and friends, but also tell them what to do in an emergency.  You can say something like  “I love you, but I love me, too.  And I want to take care of myself.” 

 

Nobody gets to steal your life from you.  Nobody has the right to determine your spiritual path for you. 

 

Balance in important!

 

Homework assignment:  Get a notebook/journal.  Spend 5-10 minutes a day writing about deprivation.  What depletes you and how do you feel about it.  Then write about what feeds you and find another 5-10 minutes or an hour (whatever is reasonable in your life!) and do something to nurture yourself every day!

 

Eleanor Roosevelt said:  No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

 

Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.

 

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

 

It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

 

It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself

 

What you don’t do can be a destructive force.

 

Bob Damiani will close our workshop today with a spiritual mind treatment.  We have presented this love offering today as a service to our community.  We ask that you give a love offering which allows us to pay the necessary bills that allow us to keep our building open. 

 

April 12, 2009  End the Legacy of Deprivation
May 17, 2009  Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
June 14, 2009  Let me Disappoint You
July 19, 2009  The Power of Rhythm and Routine
August 16, 2009  Take Your hands off the Wheel
September 13, 2009  The Absolute No List
October 11, 2009  Soul-Loving Space
November 8, 2009  You’re so Sensitive
December 13, 2009  Tune-up Time
January 17, 2010  Does That Anger Taste Good?
February 21, 2010  Wake Up!
March 14, 2010  Your Extreme Self-Care First-Aid Kit.  Final class and closure.

As a part of my effort to give back to my community as well as to support and love myself, I am facilitating a year long series of workshops on Cheryl Richardson’s book, The Art of Extreme Self Care.  These workshops are being held at The Center for Spiritual Living, Asheville (formerly The Center for Creative Living).  Below are the dates when the workshops will be held.  The first two have already passed and are not listed.  They were titled End the Cycle of Deprivation, and Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.  Books may be purchased at the Center for Spiritual Living, at www.hayhouse.com, at www.amazon.com, or at your local bookstore.  Locally, they can be found at Books-a-Million and at Barnes and Noble.  Malaprops was sold out the last time that I checked, but they may have been replaced by the time you check.

June 14, 2009  Let me Disappoint You
July 19, 2009  The Power of Rhythm and Routine
August 16, 2009  Take Your hands off the Wheel
September 13, 2009  The Absolute No List
October 11, 2009  Soul-Loving Space
November 8, 2009  You’re so Sensitive
December 13, 2009  Tune-up Time
January 17, 2010  Does That Anger Taste Good?
February 21, 2010  Wake Up!
March 14, 2010  Your Extreme Self-Care First-Aid Kit.  Final class and closure.

Please feel free to jump in at any time.  Each and every workshop will stand alone.  Of course, doing the entire series is most beneficial, but you can easily play catch up on your own time.   Each workshop comes with simple and quick homework which will enrich your experience.

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to ask either by email or phone.  pam@phoenixmassageofasheville.com or my cell number is (828) 279-8636.

Pam Hauser, RN, LMBT

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Recently, Cheryl Richardson published a book by the name of The Art of Extreme Self Care.    I get emails from Hay House, so I was notified when the book was released.  My work for this year is “Self”, so it was perfect timing for me!  (If you want to purchase the book, you can go to online casinowww.hayhouse.com and search her name or the title.  It comes as a CD as well, read by the author.)

The book is comprised of 13 chapters, an introduction and 12 monthly assignments/activites.  I really wanted to have a support group to aid me in doing this work, so I went to the ministers at the Center for Spiritual Living, Asheville, Barbara and John Waterhouse, and asked if I could facilitate a workshop based on this book.  They agreed, so away I go!

The first workshop is on March 29, 2009 from 1-3pm at the Center for Creative Living.   It will be held in the sanctuary.  The workshop is interactive, so please bring paper and pen.  My goal is for this to be a place where we learn how to care for ourselves and support each other in the process.  The first meeting will cover background information on self care, the proposed dates throughout the year (subject to change at the discretion of the ministers), choosing a support partner, and the activity for the month.  The official title for this first workshop is “End the Cycle of Deprivation”.

For directions, go the the Center’s website, www.cslasheville.org.   If you have other questions, feel free to call or email me.  pam@phoenixmassageofasheville.com or (828) 279-8636

Hope to see you there!

Pam