I am reading, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.  I read a few blogs, and one of them is by Buz McGuire. (You can find him on Facebook.) He wrote about this book and when I responded to it, he highly recommended that I read it. He said that it seemed to fit in perfectly for me right where I am.So I ordered the book from Amazon.  It arrived yesterday and I started to read it this afternoon. It is a fictional work, but Buz is right. It fits in perfectly with where I am as I consider living my purpose.You see, I have always believed from my earliest recollection that we all have a purpose. Or mission, if you prefer that word. We all have a “job” to do here on this planet that only we can do. I believe that I have done a pretty good job of living my purpose…as far as I have understood it. In my 20’s and 30’s, I did my best, but never stopped to discover who I was or what I really wanted to do with my life. I pretty much did what was expected of me, what my parents said was a good thing to do, or what my husband wanted.In my 40’s, I questioned the status quo. My husband said I had a mid-life crisis. Perhaps. What I did do was to listen to my body, listen to my dreams, listen to my hopes, and listen to my spirit. And then I made changes in my life to reflect what I heard. Those changes included a divorce. My husband was a good man. He was the same man that I married. I changed and he did not care to come along with me. So he divorced me.And now I am in another time of reflection.  My life has changed once more and I am taking the time to find out who I am, what I want to do and where I will go. I do know that I am actively involved in life. I love my life. And my life is taking a new direction. I am still a nurse. I am still a massage therapist with a private practice. However, I am also writing now. I intend to be published. I hope to inspire others to thrive and to love and to grow.So back to purpose. Do we have just one purpose on the planet? Do we just have one purpose that is continuous throughout our lives? Based on my life, I would say that my purpose has had a continuous thread, but the way that purpose manifests has changed with the stage of my life. What do you think?

I recently went to a weekend workshop on Theta Healing in Atlanta, GA. The teacher of the workshop is a counselor whom I have worked with on my “stuff”, beginning in 1998 and continuing to this day. I have had a very eventful life, and she has been pivotal in keeping me somewhat sane.

My personal focus for this workshop was not so much to learn an energy healing modality, but to experience the work for the entire weekend. I went for the express purpose of being in a holy space with like-minded people and working on releasing my “stuff”, aka s***.

After doing this intense work for a whole weekend, I did feel much lighter. At one point, the assistant instructor asked “Where are all of the angels coming from?” You see, I had done a meditation before leaving home, seeing a chimney in the middle of the circle, with legions of angels in the room taking my s*** to the light…so to speak. The room where we met had a ginormous vaulted ceiling in the middle of the room. It was about 12 feet in diameter and went about 12 feet up, ending in skylights. Very cool. I don’t see angels. I don’t hear angels. I can feel their presence when I really concentrate. But I don’t often concentrate. I just had faith that if I asked for them, then they would be there. And they were! I enjoyed hearing the confirmation.

OK. Back to the releasing thing. My focus was on releasing my “stuff”. Only I did not use the word “stuff”. Yes, I used that other “S” word! And about a week after I came home from that visit, I was working in my yard with the help of a neighbor. I went inside to drink my water and let some go, and when I came back outside, there was sewage flowing forth from my front yard. That’s right. I flushed and sewage literally flowed out of the ground.

I started digging. And the deeper I dug, the more the hole filled up with sewage. I was not getting anywhere with this. I decided to start bailing.  I thought I could bail out a few gallons and then dig the hole deep enough to find a pipe or something! I found an empty 5 gallon paint can and a one quart scoop and started bailing. (And protective gear.  I AM a nurse, so I was wearing a mask, gloves, and goggles and all of my clothes-including my shoes-went straight into the washing machine when I was finished.  And then they were washed twice.) I bailed and then I carryied the bucket (with about 3 gallons of sewage in it) up my stairs, across my deck, across a plank to my almost-complete-rental-apartment-that-has-its-own-septic-system porch, and into the bathroom to dump the contents into the toilet. I did this 22 times! Yes, I said 22 trips with about 3 gallons of sewage each trip. Yep. That’s about 66 gallons of s***! I have no clue where it was before it began to come out of the ground. It was not under much pressure since it did not run out of the original shallow hole that I dug. It was not under my house. (I checked. I have a very sensitive nose, so I woulda known without going down there to look, and I looked anyway!)

Once I was done with the bailing and all, I dug a hole deep enough to find the sewage line. I kept digging along a line of gravel (I’m grateful for the gravel that told me where to dig!) and about 6 feet away, I found another sewage pipe. You see, I had a propane tank put into the ground so that the apartment would have gas for the oven and hot water tank. When they did the digging for the underground tank, they tore up my septic drain pipe. And then, being the wonderful folks that they are, they just covered it back up again! (This was not the gas company who did the digging and covering up.  It was my contractor.)  I found a few small pieces of PVC pipe as I dug, but I never did find anything that looked like a 5-6 foot piece of pipe. Maybe it’s buried with the propane tank…who knows?!

So the point to this whole blog is this: Be very, very careful with your words. They have POWER! When you go around saying that you are focusing on releasing your s***, it is just possible that your sewage just might come bubbling up out of the ground! 

I have dealt with a lot of s*** in my life.  First as a nurse, then as a mother, and as a cleaner-up-after animals.  I’ve had dogs, cats, goats, chickens, hamsters, and rabbits to clean up after.  It’s all compost.  Compost is fertilizer.  So life is richer for the s***.  And I’m ready for some boredom right about now!  And I will be more careful with my words henceforth….I hope! 

Below is a picture of the hole that I dug so the plumber could fix my pipe.  And he put in a clean out thingy for me.    

In my last blog, I talked about the concept of having a word for the year instead of resolutions.   Resolutions have never worked for me, so I don’t do them.  Having a word does work for me because the focus is different.

My word for this year is “Self”.  I have spent most of my life taking care of others.  Now it is time to care for me.  I suddenly have an empty nest and am living alone for the first time since I married in 1977!  Although I would never have consciously chosen to be living alone right now, it’s what I got since my son is now living on his own and both my life partner and my youngest daughter have passed away.

A few  months ago I heard a profound statement:  “In life, pain is a given.  Suffering is optional.”  I have experienced a lot of pain in my life.  Far too many important people in my life have left this world behind.  I have spent lots of time suffering and grieving.  I don’t know how to NOT grieve, but I do know that I will do my best to minimize it.

Self.  That is my focus.  To me that means finding out who I am and where I’m going with this life.  I have to assume that I’m supposed to be here, or I would have been one of the ones to leave!  I’m here, so I’ll live.  And I’ll live out loud.  For me, to do otherwise would be a cop out.

It is my belief that there are many ways to commit suicide.  One can load up a weapon, take a hand full of pills or drive their car off  a cliff.  Or one can drive recklessly, engage in extreme sports, or just eat a bunch of crap, gain a lot of weight, develop high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, cancer, etc and then die.  To me, poor lifestyle choices are just the “slow way” to commit suicide.  (Extreme sports might be a little faster way to go!)  Loading your weapon and firing it into your head would be the “fast way”.   Please do not assume that I say these things about lifestyle choices with judgment.  I have done most of them!  I have been blessed with a strong body, so that even though I have a few extra pounds I have but no diseases…yet!  It does mean that part of my focus on the Self is to clean up my diet a little more and to exercise more.

Self:  A healthy body.  I have never really liked to exercise for exercise’s sake.  I do like to walk my dog around the neighborhood, on trails, or to get to the bakery for lunch!  (Yes, he sometimes comes to the office with me.)  I love to dig in the garden, rearrange my furniture, paint a room, mow the grass, etc.  In winter, there is so much less of this to do outside, so I am more sedentary.  I do not like to be cold, so if I am outside in winter, I need to be active.  The dog helps there!

Self:  An organized environment.  I have lived with complete order and I have lived with complete clutter.  I prefer some place in the middle!  Now that I am living alone, I have the flexibility of having a bedroom as my craft room.  I have recently moved my office in there, setting up a wireless network and am in the process of putting up shelves, going through paperwork and throwing out what I don’t need, filing what I do and organizing my crafts.  The crafts usually wind up in my bedroom, the living room or the kitchen counter because they’ve never had a home of their own.   I’m looking forward to having an organized place to keep my crafts when I’m working on them as well as when I am not.  Right now the room looks like a tornado just went through it, but I am looking forward to the order of shelving!

Self:  A loving community.  I actually already have that.  I am blessed with many good friends and family.  At some point, maybe not this year, I’d like to develop a special friendship with a man.  I have not had a date in many years now, my life being filled with children and career.  It’s almost time.  So I am setting my intention for a wonderful person to walk the road beside me for a while.  I don’t know what that looks like yet, so I’ll wait to see how that unfolds.

There’s my start on my word for the year.   I know that it will evolve throughout the year, and that’s a good thing.  I’d love to hear if you have chosen a word, what it is and where you’d like to go with it.

It’s been a few years since I heard of the concept of choosing a word for the year, instead of doing resolutions.  As a youngster, I did resolutions and discovered that I never kept them.  They were too big, I think.  Unreachable.  So I stopped doing them in my early 20’s.   If anyone asked, I would just say that I didn’t do them.

But choosing a word to reflect what I wanted in the coming year works for me.  I first heard of this concept from Christine Kane.  She is a friend of mine who is a singer/songwriter.  She has a wonderful blog (I want to be like her when I grow up!) and also does workshops on creativity as well as retreats for women.  Here’s what I said about choosing a word in last year’s post, (You can click on the link to read the whole thing if you wish) An Alternative to New Year’s Resolutions:

After much deliberation as well as discussion/brain storming with friends for over a month, I have at last come up with my word for 2007. In 2005, my word was “survive” (the love of the first half of my life had just passed away in mid December) and for 2006 my word was “easy” because I was just coasting through life. Along about October, I decided that since I was alive, I might as well live wide open/out loud. So I’d like to announce that my 2007 word is THRIVE!

I went on to say that my word for 2008 was “Adventure”.  And, if you have been reading my blogs, you’ll know that the past year has indeed been an adventure, just not one that I would have consciously chosen.  I should have done that damn vision board!  (Said with a sense of humor and a bit of irony.)  I did cut pictures out, but I never got them glued onto a board.  They still sit in a stack on my dresser.   What is the opposite of procrastination?  Words need to be positive, ya know?!

I do not yet know what word I will choose for 2009.  I am pondering that almost daily.  Some of my choices are Heal, Clarity, Health, Release, Choice, and Allow.  All good words.  All good things to do in 2009.

I am attending a class at The Center for Creative Living here in Asheville on The Secret.  A couple of weeks ago we did vision boards in class.   (I finally got some of last years’ pictures up on a board!  Yea me!  I took a few pictures of some vision boards so you can see how different they can look.  Some are done on poster board and one is on a cork board so it can be easily updated.  I’m having issues with downloading my pictures, so I’ll add those later.

Here is a list of words that I “stole” from Christine Kane’s website a year or more ago.  Feel free to comment and let me know your word for 2009 or to help me in choosing mine.

Compassion
Love
Choice
Expansion
Exploration
Adventure
Openness
Discipline
Awe
Awareness
Risk
Gentleness
Spirit
Prayerfulness
Power
Allow
Artfulness
Attention
Beauty
Joy
Focus
Ritual
Heal
Order
Clarity
Pioneer
Peace
Laziness
No
Yes
Deliberateness
Commitment
Savor
Integrity
Listen
Play
Kindness
Laughter
Delight
Generosity
Effortlessness
Wealth
Gratitude
Abundance
Creativity
Willingness
Change
Growth
Freedom
Mastery
Health
Presence
Acceptance
Courage
Confidence
Self-Love
Action
Forgiveness
Forgive
Release
Trust
Knowing
Patience
Friendship
Fun
Grace
Power
If you do a vision board and would like to share it, you can email it to me at pam@phoenixmassageofasheville.com, and I’ll even post it if you want me to.

By Christine Kane

You’ve heard it.

I’ve heard it.

We can even laugh about it because it’s so common.

I’m talking about the snarky voice in your head that mouths off whenever you think about being a little bolder, or a little decadent, or more self-nurturing.

It’s the voice that says, “Who do you think you are?”

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but mine shows up as a group of high school girls.

Their eyes are lined with thick black pencil. They wear concert t-shirts. Their hair is burnt from too many home perms. One of them steps forward and says, with her hands on her hips, “Who do you think you are?” And then she turns to the others and says, “Who does she think she is?” Then they all take an aggressive step forward. (Welcome to an average day at my old high school!)

My friend Joy told me that “Who do you think you are?” jumps in whenever she imagines hanging out on the sofa reading magazines.

A few years ago, I saw Oprah speak. She said that every time she wanted to achieve more, the first voice she heard was “Who do you think you are?”

Every woman I know has her own version of this voice waiting in the wings.

In other words: Stay down, play small, shut up, and don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t even bother because you won’t make it, you don’t deserve it, and everyone knows it, and they’ll all laugh at you when you fail.

So, next time that voice jumps up in your head, here’s what you do:

Answer it.

Really. Who do you think you are?

————-

One time, I was telling a mentor about some fears coming up around a choice I was making.

I said, “…and all the voices in my head are saying, ‘Who do you think you are?’”

And he looked at me and said, “Well? Who do you think you are?”

I smiled and continued with my story.

He cut in.

“No. Stop. I really want to know. Who do you think you are? Tell me right now.”

In a very tiny voice, I told him.

Then he made me say it again in a bigger, stronger voice. And again after that.

He said, “There. Now you have an answer for your voices.”

Now I do this exercise every time those voices arise.

Here’s a tip:

When you answer that question, use language that speaks the truth of your strengths and values

In other words, make it authentic.

It’s tempting to recite something that sounds “lofty” or “holy.” I know you know what I mean. “I am a divine being, living in divine perfection with power and grace..and blah blah blah…abundance and light.”

Okay, fine.

True as that may be, if that language doesn’t resonate with you, you’ll never feel any bolder, and those high school girls with the black eye pencil will put their cigarettes out on your shoe.

The Co-op of Lack

My theory is that “Who do you think you are?” is actually a Co-op.

It’s a collective body of voices saying, “Agree with us in the lack that we see! Agree with us that there are no other options! Agree with us that no one has any power over life conditions!”

It’s actually pretty convenient.

It’s convenient to have this world-view because it gives you permission to stay stuck. It never requires that you do anything about it because after all, you’re dealing with a whole world-view!

Think about it.

When you say, “I no longer want to work with this abusive client,” you’re also saying, “AND, I believe there are multitudes of others out there for me.”

When you say, “I’m gonna nap right now, and I will be more productive and happier because of it,” you’re also saying, “AND, I believe that there’s more than enough time for me to get my to-do’s done.”

Get it?

Essentially, you’re telling the Co-op that you’ve decided to create a whole new world-view!

Extra Credit Bonus Tip

Let’s be honest.

Most likely there are occasions when you’ve been the one saying, “Who does she think she is?” (Even if it’s only in your head.)

Don’t be ashamed. It simply means that you have more opportunities to shift those old lack mindsets. Usually those mindsets are saying: “I’m feeling small and poor, so she should be small and poor too.” We’ve all caught ourselves doing this.

Even if it’s uncomfortable, you can choose to bless or praise anyone who seems to be taking bigger strides in her life. Then remind yourself again who you think you are, and join her!

About guest writer, Christine Kane:  Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.