End the Legacy of Deprivation
I have gotten 2 questions a
1) Why am I doing this?
2) Don’t you really mean that you’re going to talk about being selfish?
I am doing this because I want a support group! It’s just that simple. This book came out late last year. I get emails from Hay House when wonderful new books come out. When I got this email, I instantly knew that this work was for me to do….for me, anyway! Cheryl Richardson wrote the Art of Extreme Self Care just for me! Pam Hauser!
You see, all of my life I have taken care of everyone EXCEPT Pam Hauser. It’s only since I have passed that “40” milestone that I’ve realized that maybe I deserve to be cared for, too. This has not happened as an instantaneous “ah ha!” moment, but has been a gradual dawning. An unfolding. And the timing for this is perfect right now in my life.
There is another reason that I asked to do this workshop. Cheryl Richardson has an online workshop for this book. She is doing the exact same thing, only participants are calling in from around the world and a few get to actually speak directly with Cheryl and ask their question. In the late fall/early winter when I learned of this online thing, I looked at the price and did not believe that I could afford it. My life was in turmoil. Money was very scarce, and I was just starting to climb out of debt due to my daughter’s illness. I just could not see myself able to do the online course. Along about February, they reduced the price to $199 AND I had been working pretty much 7 days a week AND manifested some unexpected income, so I bought the course! I jumped in on the 3rd live online event and I have the first 2 classes on my iPod to listen to over and over again!
Another way that I know that this work is for me to do right now is that my word for the year is “Self”. Do any of you do a work for the year instead of resolutions?
Do you want me to talk a bit about that?
In 2005, my word was Survive
2006 Easy
2007 Thrive
2008 Adventure
2009 Self
Now, I want to address the word “Selfish”. The dictionary defines selfish as:
Devoted to or caring only for oneself. Concerned
primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc, regardless of others.
Synonyms: self-interested, self-seeking, egoistic-illiberal, parsimonious, stingy.
So I’m NOT going to talk about selfishness! I AM going to talk about self care. The kind of self care that airlines encourage…where you put on your own oxygen mask before you help others, simply because you can NOT help anyone else without first having the oxygen to do so! The kind of self care that fills you up with love and joy and generosity. The kind of self care where you have plenty to give to others. It is NOT a paradox! You can not truly GIVE unless you have something to give.
When we give from an empty tank, then we give out of obligation, or guilt, or reflex at best. When we give from a full tank, we give out of LOVE!
And THAT’s why this course is important to me.
Handouts with references:
(828) 279-8636
I would like to take a moment and officially introduce my support team. Deborah Belcher and Bob Damiani are licensed practitioners here at the Center for Creative Living. Does anyone NOT know what that means? Like deacons in the Baptist church, only they have 3 years of education, been tested and sat before a board of Religious Science leaders from across our nation to determine their eligibility to be leaders in our community.
I see my role as the facilitator of this workshop. I intend for this to be an interactive process. I will not be standing up here lecturing for 2 hours once a month. Please raise you hand and be recognized before speaking. And of course, be respectful of others when they speak.
I will open each class and we will have our spiritual mind treatment prayer. Then I’ll briefly review the last class. I’ll open the floor for sharing of experience throughout the month. We will want to hear that you did the homework and what changed in your life as a result. All sharing is optional! But if you had a major “ah ha!” moment, it is certain that your experience can enrich the lives of the rest of us. Be clear and specific!
We will take a break in the middle. At the end, I’ll go over the homework for the next month. We’ll pass the baskets for the love offering to the Center and we’ll close with a spiritual mind treatment.
A word about homework:
I take this work seriously. I will do the homework daily. It will not take a major investment in time, just commitment and intent. Doing it daily will be very important. Whatever you put into this process will determine what you get out of it. Do NOT expect to come to the monthly meetings, go home and do nothing for the month and experience amazing results! But in 5-15 minutes a day, doing the exercises, you CAN have amazing results.
Where are you now? Take a moment. Close your eyes and take a look at your life. See the people in your life. See your home. See your job. See your checkbook balance. See your body. What is working? What would you like to see happening differently? EVEN IF YOUR LIFE ALREADY ROCKS!!!
Take a deep cleansing breath.
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years, or 10 years, or even 20 years. Again see the people in your life. See your home. Your job. Your checkbook balance. Does it look the same? Can it possibly be the same?
Take another deep cleansing breath.
If you keep doing what you have been doing, you will get more of the same thing. If there is anything that you would want to look differently, then I challenge you to take this workshop seriously, do the work and watch your life flow more smoothly, more abundantly, more joyously!
When I say take this work seriously, I mean you commitment is serious. I do not want you to be toiling away! I want you to have fun with this. My belief is that we are here to have fun. To be joyous. To love and laugh and play out loud.
I have an assignment for you to do over the break. I want us all to partner up for support throughout this month. I STRONGLY SUGGEST! That you partner up with someone who you do NOT currently know. Do NOT choose your spouse or your best friend or your life partner! Choose someone you don’t know, but who has a similar communication preference!
Phone callers with phone callers
Emailers with emailers!
I believe that this can be a life-changing process when done solo. But I also believe that it will be a richer process when shared. If we were supposed to be alone, we would have our own planets! It’s possible that you will have 12 new wonderful friends at the end of the year!
A note to extroverts: You KNOW who you are! Before you go get your coffee and socialize, check out the introverts and see if you’d like to make a new friend.
OK now BREATHE!
Let’s get started:
The topic for today is:
End the Cycle of Deprivation
I want us to think about what is draining in your life. What is draining you?
Take a moment, make some notes, or close your eyes and ponder. Be quiet here.
What is draining you?
Be with that for a moment.
Breathe!
How does it make you feel? Angry, exhausted, guilty, depressed? Some other feeling?
Breathe!
Now switch gears. What is fueling you?
Be with that for a moment. What fills your life with joy? What brings you pleasure? What opens your heart?
Take another deep breath…
Does anyone want to share their thoughts on this?
In her online program, Cheryl Richardson said that she spent her first TWO YEARS as a coach, working on her life. She worked on her relationships, her physical body, her financial resources, cleaning up credit card debt, and beginning to save and invest. She worked on her home, uncluttering and beautifying it so that it was a soul filling place to be.
She found that the more clear she became,
the more she took care of herself,
the more she got her act together.
The more attractive she became. She became a magnet. What she found is that as she changed, he world around her changed. Even the people in her life changed.
What I have found is that when I’ve changed through the years (especially 1997-98) that the people in my life have shifted. You may find that some change with you, go along for the ride because they are doing similar work (whether you know about it or not!) and some will leave your life. When I went through my “molting” in 97-98, I changed almost everything about my life. I changed my diet, I changed my church, I changed careers, got a divorce. And my friends changed as well. I actually have none of the friends who were in my life in 1997. I met new wonderful friends who are so much better that I really don’t miss the old ones at all! Especially the one who lingered the longest….When I moved here, she’s the one who said “Now who is going to do my taxes!” I don’t miss her!
What is true for Cheryl and for me is that my life is a reflection of that work in the past. We have both experienced some tough times, but we both have come through them in better places because of the work that we did back then.
As Cheryl was writing this book, her husband experienced complications from a simple routine surgery that impacted her life for about 3 years. So there she was, writing a book about self care and her life reflected extreme disrepair! What she did during this crisis was to turn back to her old patterns. Patterns that she had inherited from her family. She sucked it up and put her nose to the grindstone and continued to do it ALL! She engaged in compulsive over-giving. She kept up her speaking schedule, writing her book, book promotions, AND taking care of her husband and their home. They were at the end of completing their dream home, something that her husband had been in charge of, with many details to be taken care of! She just added to her already long list of duties. Our ineffective coping strategies will pop up whenever we are stressed.
Of course, it is not at all ironic that this happened while she was writing a book about extreme self care! We tend to bring into our lives those things that will help us to work on our goals.
When life brings us challenges, we REALLY need self care the most. One of her friends talked with her about her response to her life. I have friends like this! And she GOT IT! She called her publisher and postponed the book. AND he understood, even asking what he could do to help. She was able to see that it was OK to cut back for a while. That taking care of herself was OK. Putting her book on hold was OK, too.
So I want us to take a moment and think about coping strategies. What do you do when things get tough? If the poop is hitting the fan, what do you do?
–Clean house. The more stressed I am, the cleaner my house is!
–Stay up late.
–Watch TV (escape)
–Overeat, don’t eat
–Drink alcohol (numbing)
–Work long hours,
–Stay busy all the time….doing nothing!
–Hibernate
Some people get married to routine. They become rigid and there is not life in routine. Rhythm has ebb and flow to it. Routine is stagnant.
What are your coping strategies?
What are you deprived of?
Does anyone want to share their thoughts on this?
What about “My life is great. Wanting more or even something different makes me feel selfish.”
Does anyone feel this way?
Let’s look at that? Is life ever stagnant? Life has movement or we’re dead. We are never ever DONE!!! So you buy your perfect home. It’s beautiful. It’s the house of your dreams. A month later….
You buy chotchkes.
You paint the living room another color
You plant different plants in the garden
You buy new furniture
IT’S NEVER DONE!!!!
Coping strategies keep us bound in deprivation. The deprive us of joy, pleasure, fun, thriving. Look at why you do what you do. What is your motivation? Is it guilt? Because you’ve always do it? Because it’s expected of you? Out of obligation? If these are your reasons, you quickly become a martyr.
Examples:
Bringing in the groceries: “I have to do everything.”
Laundry basket at the top of the stairs so your partner can bring it down: “If I want something done, I have to do it myself.“
Cheryl says that “men’s brains are wired differently”. I prefer that we can all communicate effectively, asking for what we need. It avoids resentment because “they” are not reading your mind! Ask WAY before the NEED arises.
How many 1st born are here: Hero, savior role, yes machines?
The desire to have people like me. Not piss anyone off, approval seeking
Set boundaries. (There will be a class later on saying no!) Make yourself a soul nurturing environment. It’s the little things that will make that for you. You decide what you need and it does not have to cost anything. It might just be organizing your closet so you can find your shoes! Or a special piece of clothing that you haven’t been able to find. If your whole house needs organization, take one room per week and organize it. Everything that does not belong can be put up or placed in a box for the room that it belongs in.
How would your life have been different if your parents had modeled self care?
Internal changes need to happen to avoid becoming a martyr. Build in some time in your schedule for quiet, meditation, calmness, a walk in the woods, whatever feeds your soul.
So your son wants to add a 3rd sport? He’s already in soccer and baseball and wants to start playing football! You CAN say no. Parents deserve to have a life. You will be more present with them if you are not frazzled from rushing around.
Self care: Let’s say that you decide that you will not be answering emails, text messages, phone calls daily. I’ve recently discovered that I do not HAVE to answer the phone just because it rings! You can tell this to your family and friends, but also tell them what to do in an emergency. You can say something like “I love you, but I love me, too. And I want to take care of myself.”
Nobody gets to steal your life from you. Nobody has the right to determine your spiritual path for you.
Balance in important!
Homework assignment: Get a notebook/journal. Spend 5-10 minutes a day writing about deprivation. What depletes you and how do you feel about it. Then write about what feeds you and find another 5-10 minutes or an hour (whatever is reasonable in your life!) and do something to nurture yourself every day!
Eleanor Roosevelt said: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself
What you don’t do can be a destructive force.
Bob Damiani will close our workshop today with a spiritual mind treatment. We have presented this love offering today as a service to our community. We ask that you give a love offering which allows us to pay the necessary bills that allow us to keep our building open.
April 12, 2009 End the Legacy of Deprivation
May 17, 2009 Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
June 14, 2009 Let me Disappoint You
July 19, 2009 The Power of Rhythm and Routine
August 16, 2009 Take Your hands off the Wheel
September 13, 2009 The Absolute No List
October 11, 2009 Soul-Loving Space
November 8, 2009 You’re so Sensitive
December 13, 2009 Tune-up Time
January 17, 2010 Does That Anger Taste Good?
February 21, 2010 Wake Up!
March 14, 2010 Your Extreme Self-Care First-Aid Kit. Final class and closure.